4 Days With You

When I spent a couple of nights with you a month ago, I never expected it to reoccur in a short period of time. But then come the girls and valentine. With them come fun, crazyness and happy times with you.

Just being with you, hold your hands and see you smile. it means the world to me. And to heard you say that you don’t want to lose me.. it has brought me to a very special place.

I can not thank you enough for the love you have given to me. For your understanding, and for accepting me for the way I am. And most of all,  to have found that our feelings are mutual.

4 days with you. So sweet and such a treasure.

To have woken up beside you, to have eaten every meal with you, to have been able to touch you everytime I wanted to.

And I hope, our feelings will not fade, but grow stronger everyday.

Janice, I HEART YOU!

 

Take Your Chances!

There are times when you have to take chances. Knowing is better than wondering. ‘Cause even the biggest failure, even the worst and irreversible mistake, would beat the hell out of never trying.

(Grey’s Anatomy ep. 6)

 

Wu Fa Bu Xiang Ni

A friend wrote “Wu Fa Bu Xiang Ni Baby” on the YM status. ‘Wu fa bu xiang ni’ means there’s no way to stop think about you. Can’t help but thinking ’bout you.

I laughed so hard because of two things. First, she has never shown her romantic side. Second, because I thought that sentence was so cheesy and stupid.

That was 3 months ago. Now it’s my turn to be on that stupid state.

I can’t stop thinking about her.

 

My Blue Girl

Not only she made me jump over to the other side, she takes me into this incredible adventure that I have never been through.

Have you watched Avatar? It’s like that. It’s like I have been taken in a space ship and transported into another planet. Where people are blue ( and 10 feet tall), plants shimmer in illumination, and dragons are transportation.

I just have to close my eyes and trust her. Everything become so new and different. Feel, thoughts, senses.She makes me open up my mind and think from different angles. She makes me try new things. She makes me break out of my own rules.

She’s my blue girl, that taught me how to fight, how to free-jump and how to talk to Eywa, the spirit of their world. ( but No.. it doesn’t mean I converted from Catholics into Eywa-ers). My blue girl that taught me how to conquer a dragon. My blue girl that taught me to take risks.

She’s my blue girl.

You might think this is worshipping. No no. I don’t see her a goddess or anything, for above all I can’t respect dumbos ( pardon my language) that followed blindly into the abyss of darkness. No no. She doesn’t lead me. She doesn’t dictate me. She just took the veil away and showed me possibilities.

Eventually I have grown my  own courage and desire.

 

My Magic Paper

“You have given up on love!” BB simply said that sentence over and over again.

I have not. So I denied it fiercely. They haven’t any idea how I did that and I can’t tell them the magic is on a single piece of paper. Even if I tell them I don’t think they can grab the concept.

It has been months since I touched that single piece of paper that has helped me through my worse days. I did not give up on love.  I just chose to move on with my life. Was it stubborness or plain will power I don’t know. But I am getting tired of their questions on how did I get over that phase. If they had to ask me everytime we have a talk, I will have to carve a sentence on my forehead that said : I forgive her, I get over her, and I never want her back!

I am not lying to myself, I am not on denial. The magic is on that paper.

It has been God and determination. And of course, Tony Robbins. ^_^

Now what I do is saying grateful to God for every lent moments. Everything is lent. One day everything has to be returned to the rightful owner. So take a deep breath, close my eyes and once again chant my favorite verse where I Thank God with a smile on my face. With the previous experience I know that everything can be taken within a blink of an eye. So guys,  I did not give up on love nor take this as a game. I just thread with a full understanding on those lent moments.

So I promise myself. Starting from tomorrow morning I would read those lines again. One by one. To remind myself. That the confidence I have built, is not to be trampled on.That no one should take me for granted. That sanity should always be afloat!

 

Thank You For the Music

It’s weird how Bon Jovi can always help me. They just have a song for any kind of situation. When I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m in love, when I’m broken hearted, when I feel like giving up, when I feel like nothing, when I’m desperate, when I feel so good I want to fly. Even there’s a song for me when I feel ugly.

No matter how bad I feel, listening to their songs always make me want to sing along and move with the beat of the music. There have been endless hours of Bon Jovi music that make me the way I am, I think. They inspires me, help me, pick me up when I fall and smile with my happiness. Thank God I have a stereo set. I think I can go through anything just listening and singing along. I feel miserable this morning, but listening to them just fills me with adrenaline. Thank you for the music. Thank you for keep singing.

 

Once Upon a Time

If I met someone attractive and got access to her Facebook account, I would totally check her whole wall, if possible until the beginning of time. In this case, until the time she joined Facebook. It is a tiring process, but hey, most of the time I just sit here and chat, so why not do something else that might be useful. I just don’t like surprises. So I check people out. Like a detective. Or like a crazy/obsessive/lonely/stay-the hell-out-of-her-life girl. ( I am aware of that fact).

On the other hand, I am open for the idea that I might not the only chick doing this wall-checking thing so I should check my own wall and make sure that I don’t show any signs of negativity. I don’t want to look crazy, obsessive, narcissistic, overconfidence, looking for attention or any other things that I actually might be.

So several months ago I did the homework and find ‘something’. So I captured it. My broken heart phase. The only status update that showed that I was vulnerable, that I was at the edge, that I was in pain.

I’m gonna put it here, because I am over it. And it suits my blog’s address. Get over 9 years. I am over the nine years. I am over her. I’m gonna put it here just as a reminder. That I was once weak. That I should never fall that low again. That I should never be that helpless again.

 

Charmed

So I met a very charming woman. So she’s sweet and funny and talks a lot with a bit twist of overconfidence. I was about to leave when i found out that she’s married with two kids. But hey what the heck, I could need some company. It’s Saturday afternoon. So I stayed and talk. And she grew more attractive. I love her hair and the way she touches it. I like the way she moves her hands when she’s emphasizing something. I even like her fingernails.The way she laughs.  She’s pretty when she’s quiet but she lights up when she laughed.

I sound like I’m in love. I’m not.

It’s just the fact that she has charmed me.

We sit and talked for more than 5 hours and I can feel that I want to see her again. It is a bit scary. I was wondering what if I fell? But hey.. what the heck? I have been so goody goody for years. I have never been bad. I have never tried to fool around or just having fun. I am always decent. I don’t flirt. I don’t date non-singles. There’s a restraint in me. I want to be good.

I love being good.

But. This woman. Owh. She makes me want to be bad. She makes me want to try to be bad. She makes me want to jump over the fence and feel the other side. She makes me want to go crazy. She makes me wonder whether I have two horns growing on my head. She makes me want to risk my heart. It is scary.

Can I? Have a ‘casual-non-love’ relationship?

I am not sure. But really, she makes me want to jump. Into uncertainties.

 

Final Closure

Saturday. 9 years of life, compacted in 4 suitcases. I can’t take it all. Not only that I don’t have space for all of it, but I know most of my clothes cannot be worn anymore. I have lost more 10 kgs.

So I started to sort through it all. Obviously like I have suspected it, she let the wife do the packing. I sorted out some t-shirt, jackets, bags, and caps. There were also small knick knacks that I have decided to keep that they don’t occupy much space. Then I took books that I have bought but haven’t read yet. Those are important for me.

Just sorting out all those stuff took nearly 3 hours. Hm.. but to reconsider that it’s 9 years of life, I guess 3 hours were pretty fast. I was sort of nervous when I decided to go get my stuff. I was scared that my tears would fall. Just because. But everything was fine. I was having a good time getting my stuff back. No pressure at all. No strain. No pain. I was playing so nice. We were talking and laughing together and I was very friendly towards the new girl. So I took 1 huge suitcase of stuff, let her help me deliver it to my doorstep, and even let her buy me early dinner.

On Sunday I was tidying up those stuff when I found a necklace that I have bought for her birthday, it was white gold and it was put in a tiny box, complete with the ‘buddha’ pendant. My first impulse was a bit annoyed, is the wife giving it back to me? So what does it mean? Why didn’t she return all of my gifts? This is just ego talking. *sigh* I realized that she doesn’t even remember that I gave her that necklace. Typically her. Ignorant. And why should I care anyway? *Chuckle*I guess I’ll just sell it cause I won’t wear it. Butchie style

Monday. Life is back on track. I might not see her again for a long time. The very thin thread between us has been cut.

I have got my closure. Grinning ear to ear. With a stack of books.

 

Determination

When some weird entity just barge into your life without even knocking. Would you know what to do? If you were aware all the time, I bet you would know exactly what to do. But if you were – like me- caught off guard, you might lost control for a while.

I lost control. Maybe not because I am lack of self-control, but mostly because I let myself to. I deliberately let go off my guard because I have to admit that i find it attractive. oh I shouldn’t be too hard on myself right? it’s been quite a long time since I felt the rush. The ‘holy’ rush. So I let myself to go with the flow. So I can enjoy the sensation. The butterflies. The  panic. The missing.

Well. It’s stupid. I was on a stupid state. Consciously aware that the entity isn’t something for my world, that it is something forbidden, now I consciously let go.

It can barge back. It can knock on my doors. It can stay and flutter its wings in my living room. But my heart and this part of this brain, should be locked. Safe. Behind bars. I will wait for the right entity to come. To shake my world the right way.

It’s my determination.